The Great Moose Conspiracy

A post about my distaste for contributing to the mindless drivel on the internet naturally has to be followed with a post full of mindless drivel.

We love our conspiracy theories. Some people think our current president is secretly a Muslim Marxist. Others think the previous one somehow masterminded 9/11. People in groups fascinate me, mostly for how they can abandon all common sense in certain circumstances and believe things that are completely nonsensical and/or demonstrably false. To carry on the great tradition of conspiracy theories, I offer one of my own.

Several years ago, I uncovered the Great Moose Conspiracy. “Uncovered” in this case means “made up” and “conspiracy” means “coincidence” but that is the underpinning of many of our conspiracy theories so stick with me here.

I have cats. A simple statement to make, but it conveys information about how many cats there are. You know I have more than one because I used the plural form.

I have moose. Ok, I don’t really have any moose due to association restrictions, but here you have less information. Would I have one moose or several moose? Yes I realize that you could often figure it out by noticing if I said “a” moose or noting the difference between “moose is” and “moose are” but remember this is a conspiracy, so we have to discard information that doesn’t support our theory. Anyone who points to this information is probably a part of the cover-up.

Now you see our problem with moose: The singular is the same as the plural, so when I say “moose” you don’t know if I’m talking about one moose, several moose, or all moose.

Why is the singular the same as the plural? Who is it that doesn’t want us to know how many moose there are? Why don’t they want us to know?

It was a chilling discovery, but then I realized that it went much deeper. Deer, Elk, Bison. With so many animals involved, it’s just too much evidence to be a coincidence. There’s no telling how deep this rabbit (moose?) hole goes. When I pieced it together it was like a veil had been lifted and I could see clearly for the first time. Who’s behind it? Why are they doing it? I don’t know yet, but I suspect Satanic Canadiens are building an army of ungulates for some purpose that is both sinister and polite (they are Canadian after all).

The theory might not catch on since it doesn’t involve a figure that’s in the news every day. I’m missing that presidential link, and I know if I can tie it to him I’ll get a few million people to believe it. Right now I’m hoping it can stand on it’s own. As conspiracy theories go it’s not the most fleshed-out yet, but it’s at least as plausible as many of the others I’ve heard on TV.

Who’s with me?

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